Why I am going to Europe and not having a baby

I leave in less than two weeks for a two month long trip to Europe.  I am very excited and a little nervous (and a lot sad that Dillon won't be there for all of it).  I feel so grateful for the opportunity to get to make this dream come true.

But mostly this trip to Europe is the silver lining to not being able to get pregnant.  We've been trying, it just isn't working.

I know that it's "only" been one year and some people try much longer than that but, gosh dang it, it's been a long year.  I never thought it would take more than, oh, one try given that I come from a fairly large, seemingly fertile family (not many of us were planned...tmi?), but I was aware it can take the average couple four to six months, and even up to eight. 

I was actually worried about having kids too quickly and being overwhelmed with diapers and sleep deprivation.  It's funny to look back and think that now I would take that scenario in a heartbeat since pregnancy is proving to be a little illusive.

Now that we've tried and failed thirteen whole times it seems to make it legitimate to doctors, and others, that maybe there could be something going on outside of our control that is preventing it, despite my regular cycles and nothing visibly wrong from testing. So we've joined the frustrated ranks of those labeled with unexplained infertility. Sometimes I think it would be easier to deal with if we had something to actually deal with besides the unknown, but I'm pretty sure it's frustrating either way.

We don't just go around telling everyone that we're trying and failing to have a baby (except for right now...), but if people ask what our plans are in regards to kids, we're open about it. People are nice and understanding, and we have a pretty good attitude about it, but it does frustrate me a little that most people seem to think that I would magically get pregnant if I would "just relax and let it happen" or "just stop trying and then, bam, it'll happen." This bothers me for two reasons:

1. It seems to imply that I am doing something that I have control over that is directly causing us to not get pregnant. It's as if I must be causing this infertility because I want to get pregnant, and by continuing to want it I am bringing it on myself, and so naturally I should "just relax" and then the problem would be solved. In fact, I am doing everything (charting and knowledge things) I can that is in my control to improve our chances, including "relaxing" and most importantly, realizing that I have zero control over it. We do our best and hope, but we've let go of trying to dictate what happens.

2.  I feel like I have to prove how not stressed about it I am when people assume that it's because of an inability to relax, or that not wanting it will solve it.  I haven't had a job for 6 months, it was the most beautiful winter ever in Utah, I have great living conditions, I have a great husband, I get to go to Europe on a dream vacation, and a chronic condition that I have (which is set off by stress) has been under control for a solid 5 months.  My life is seriously good and I feel it, relaxed and stress free.  However, it does stress me out when people don't believe me ;)

I have learned enough to know that even when people give the "just relax" advice, they are well meaning and caring, and just want the best for us.

About 6 months into trying I definitely was not in this good place.  I was stressed and frustrated and confused and upset.  I've done a lot of growing and learning since then.  Though I'm never super jazzed to deal with frustrating things, I am glad for what I've gained in perspective, patience, and faith.  I've realized a few things that have helped me keep perspective.  The first thing I realized was  that I definitely have a great life and to count my blessings rather than focus on what I lack.  This led me to remember that no matter who you are and what your circumstances, you usually have what someone else wishes for.  Maybe I don't have the fanciest life, but I have a lot that someone else may not have and wants.

Something else that I'm happy I've come to realize is that just because I haven't been able to have kids yet doesn't mean that I should be sad when other people can and do get pregnant. I am not (and hope never to be) in a place where I can't be happy for others. Why should my inability cause their ability to have less meaning or joy? And just because they can, it doesn't diminish the pain of my inability, but it also shouldn't diminish my own joy either!  I can still have wonderful things happen to me and they can still be great regardless of this setback. It is hopefully something I am using to better appreciate the joys in my life, as well as the joys of others. It's great when people are sympathetic but I also really want people to be happy about their good news, because it is wonderful news!

My realizations aside, everyone is in a different place during the struggle of infertility so I don't mean to imply that these things are for everyone. These are things that have helped me but may hurt someone else depending on where they are emotionally. It really is amazing how deeply emotional this struggle is and how it can hurt in even the weirdest situations that you wouldn't think could make you feel pain.

We aren't quite sure what our future holds but we're sure we'll be parents somehow, some way, whether it is through fertility treatment that we have the option to start after I get back in July, or whether it ends up being through adoption, or (my favorite option) that achieving pregnancy on our own--for free!-- is just around the corner!

Wish us luck, and if you could, pray for us.  We would greatly appreciate that!