I mainly wanted to write about what has helped me through this process. I know that our loss is all I have posted on my blog lately, but in real life I sometimes wonder what the balance has been. Too much so that people think it's an unhealthy obsession, or not enough so that people think that I'm over it or that I don't want to talk about it? Mostly I want to talk about it so that I can share all the good and uplifting parts of our story. It's partly selfish because it makes me feel better, but I also want to use it as an opportunity for good!
Writing has been very therapeutic for me. It has given me the opportunity to get my feelings out and express them in a way that is cathartic rather than destructive. It has helped me to see things clearly for what they are and then be able to deal with them. It also helps me share positive and good things that might help someone else, but also definitely helps me.
Most of the things that have helped me are spiritual in nature, but the first I want to share is the Japanese art of kintsugi. It is the practice of repairing broken pottery with gold lacquer instead of just super glue. It may sound weird, but the symbolism of putting our broken pieces back together in a way that celebrates and beautifies the brokenness helps me to see our loss as a beautifying part of our story and who we are/will become. If our life has to break, I'd like to come out better for it. And who wouldn't want to become more beautiful?
Along with that same "improving" thought, a thing that has helped me to feel as if losing this baby hasn't been completely in vain is this quote by Orson F. Whitney:
“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven.”
I sometimes (all the time) wonder why. Why couldn't we just get pregnant right away, why couldn't we have a healthy baby, why did this happen to us, or at all? Sometimes there are no answers, so this quote is my constant fall back. And the thing is, I really wish there were more people in the world with character and compassion so why wouldn't I hold myself to the same standard? If this is a way that helps me to become any of those things above, then I will take this experience for what it's worth and try to grow from it.
Delving deeper into the faith part of things, a week afterward my father in law sent us the link to a Conference talk he was supposed to use as his topic for an upcoming assignment, entitled "God Shall Wipe Away All Tears." The whole talk was just what I needed to hear about the purpose of trials and their ability to refine us, but what struck me the most was the last part that said that God and Jesus Christ are promise keepers. It made me take a closer look at what They had promised me. Specifically in trials, if we exercise faith we can access the power of the Atonement and be carried through all our pain and heartache.
During the hardest times all I could do was pray for faith and trust in Him. When it was the most painful and I was the most angry and feeling like things were too unfair, I would pray for trust. And it came, just as was promised. It was still hard and I still wished that I could change things, but when I accepted things for what they were and asked for help, it was always given. I was able to let go and know that God knew, both my suffering and what He has in store for us. There is such peace in that.
Letting go and trusting has been hard for me through these last few years of infertility. I can't remember exactly when I made the choice, but when I started focusing on hope, faith, and trusting in God I had such a greater assurance that everything would be alright no matter what happened. I'm so glad that that faith and trust were cultivated slowly over the last few years so that when this hard thing happened I could fall back on that. It was so much easier from the beginning to trust and know that things would be okay, even while sitting in a hospital room about ready to deliver a non viable baby.
During those first few days of finding out, delivering, and then starting recovery we felt very carried by God. It was something that just happened that I felt I had no reason or right to expect. It wasn't based off of our own spiritual merit, but it was, I feel, aided by our gratitude. That gratitude was also something that just happened. We were able to see so much good and so much to be thankful for in our circumstances. And then that gratitude was able to help us to feel the love and help from heaven, and so much peace. Gratitude is such a blessing and opens up so many opportunities to us, it's no wonder we are supposed to be grateful in all things. We continue to look for things to be grateful for and always find them.
As I continue to try to have faith, hope, and trust, the quote, "Sunday will come" goes through my mind. The talk is specifically about resurrection and the hope of eternal life we can receive through the Atonement, but for me it is a reminder that God is a promise keeper. When things are going wrong and it feels like all hope is lost, just as the apostles felt when they thought Jesus was gone, I can look ahead and see that "Sunday will come" and things will be good, even if they don't turn out the way I hoped or planned. So much peace has come from trusting in God and it has made all the difference these past six weeks.
We are grateful for the people who still pray for us and ask how we are doing. It may seem like old news for you, but for us it is still yesterday. Time has flown--I feel like we're still in the middle of October. But each day is better and we look forward to the coming months when we can begin again to try to have a family. We just hope and pray that the mutant theory holds true and that we can get pregnant soon since I've been taking the medicine diligently! So wish us luck!
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