Second Trimester Miscarriage: The Aftermath

I just can't bear to undo this quite yet, and that's okay 

Now that it's been three weeks, it's interesting to read back on my last post with a clearer mind (and more balanced hormones ha) and see all the errors. But I'm glad I wrote. I knew things (hormones) would change and my mindset would, too. Though now that the dust has settled, I'm feeling the same hope, peace, and comfort as before along with some perspective that only comes from living through something.

Second trimester miscarriage is an interesting thing because you still lose a baby like any miscarriage, but it brings with it its own set of burdens and protocol that aren't quite the same if you miscarry in the first trimester or have a stillbirth in the 3rd. I half wish we would have made it to 20 weeks so that I could say I had a stillbirth, as horrible as that sounds. But going through labor and delivery at a hospital--albeit for a 7 inch, 2 ounce baby--is different and feels more like it should be considered a stillbirth, since that's what it felt like and that's what the paperworks said it was. The pain, and hurt, and loss are all the same, but to be honest, I don't know what it's like to miscarry the way that people assume when they hear the word miscarriage. Though I am grateful for the solidarity and support in loss and grief--because that is definitely the same. It's crazy that there are so many painful ways to lose a baby.

A friend who has miscarried multiple times told me that it may sound strange for her to say, but she was glad that I had the opportunity to actually deliver and hold my baby together with my husband. I have to agree with her that that part of the process was very healing and I'm grateful for it, as hard as it was. I'm sorry for the women who have to "pass the pregnancy" alone at home. That is a burden of miscarriage that I don't envy. Though I was the one who labored, Dillon was there the whole process. We got to experience it together and it made a huge difference in the toll it took on me. This is another time that I am grateful for our doctor and nursing staff--they shared in our experience, there are witnesses to our trial and loss.

Another thing, that totally blindsided me, was that when you're that far along your milk comes in. Whaaa??? I'm not talking leaking, which can definitely happen in first trimester miscarriages, but full on "I could feed a human child for a year" comes in. They let me know that it was coming and gave me info on how to manage it, but that was a super fun thing to deal with. All I can say is yeowch. And what I want to know is, how do women survive recovering from childbirth, along with all the nice body/hormonal changes that happen in such a short time, AND take care of a helpless newborn??? Because I've felt like a ninety year old trying to move around the last couple weeks. Maybe the bliss of actually having a baby?

But as time goes on things have gotten easier, both physically and emotionally. The physical stuff started to wrap up this week, so by next week I should be back to my normal self running marathons and such (jk jk). The emotional part will definitely take more time, though with the hormones leveling out it has gotten easier.

I'm still incredibly annoyed that the one time we finally got pregnant this really, extremely random fluke had to happen to ruin our baby's body. We had a much higher chance of having identical twins and around the same odds of having naturally occurring triplets (aka not fertility treatment assisted). There was a whopping .0008%-.00006% chance that it would even happen, and even less of a chance that it would be fatal. Most babies who have this survive, but with either missing fingers or a limb (still sad). We haven't gotten the autopsy back yet, but based off the preliminary report, and what it says on the internet, our baby had the most severe form--everything that could be a problem was a problem. Ah, to be unique. Call me crazy, but I'd prefer to be average. Or at least unique in awesome ways like a two for one!

We are doing much better than expected, though it depends on the day for me. We've tried to focus on the good and what we can control, and let go of what we can't. But sometimes that's hard to do ;) So I have a good cry and let it all out. Things usually seem better afterward. And we've already gone on a couple little trips that have been good for me since it gets me out of the house, but to more exciting places than regular life so it's easier to deal with (and we've got a trip planned for NYC the beginning of Nov that I'm really looking forward to, which is good). My first time back at our own church will be this Saturday for our Halloween party, so wish me luck!

I do have a post in the works that tells more of how we are healing emotionally thanks to spiritual support, but that would instantly double this already long blog post so I'll share that another time :)

Once again (or maybe because I don't say it enough) thank you so much for all the love and support. I appreciate all the uplifting, kind thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way. We have multiple kind friends who have sent us flowers and goodies (always arriving at the times I've needed it most), or have just been there to listen as we rehash things for the millionth time.  We are so grateful for not having to go through this alone--even if maybe it seems one sided because I haven't responded to everyone individually.  But thank you, your help is greatly felt and appreciated.