Why I am going to Europe and not having a baby

I leave in less than two weeks for a two month long trip to Europe.  I am very excited and a little nervous (and a lot sad that Dillon won't be there for all of it).  I feel so grateful for the opportunity to get to make this dream come true.

But mostly this trip to Europe is the silver lining to not being able to get pregnant.  We've been trying, it just isn't working.

I know that it's "only" been one year and some people try much longer than that but, gosh dang it, it's been a long year.  I never thought it would take more than, oh, one try given that I come from a fairly large, seemingly fertile family (not many of us were planned...tmi?), but I was aware it can take the average couple four to six months, and even up to eight. 

I was actually worried about having kids too quickly and being overwhelmed with diapers and sleep deprivation.  It's funny to look back and think that now I would take that scenario in a heartbeat since pregnancy is proving to be a little illusive.

Now that we've tried and failed thirteen whole times it seems to make it legitimate to doctors, and others, that maybe there could be something going on outside of our control that is preventing it, despite my regular cycles and nothing visibly wrong from testing. So we've joined the frustrated ranks of those labeled with unexplained infertility. Sometimes I think it would be easier to deal with if we had something to actually deal with besides the unknown, but I'm pretty sure it's frustrating either way.

We don't just go around telling everyone that we're trying and failing to have a baby (except for right now...), but if people ask what our plans are in regards to kids, we're open about it. People are nice and understanding, and we have a pretty good attitude about it, but it does frustrate me a little that most people seem to think that I would magically get pregnant if I would "just relax and let it happen" or "just stop trying and then, bam, it'll happen." This bothers me for two reasons:

1. It seems to imply that I am doing something that I have control over that is directly causing us to not get pregnant. It's as if I must be causing this infertility because I want to get pregnant, and by continuing to want it I am bringing it on myself, and so naturally I should "just relax" and then the problem would be solved. In fact, I am doing everything (charting and knowledge things) I can that is in my control to improve our chances, including "relaxing" and most importantly, realizing that I have zero control over it. We do our best and hope, but we've let go of trying to dictate what happens.

2.  I feel like I have to prove how not stressed about it I am when people assume that it's because of an inability to relax, or that not wanting it will solve it.  I haven't had a job for 6 months, it was the most beautiful winter ever in Utah, I have great living conditions, I have a great husband, I get to go to Europe on a dream vacation, and a chronic condition that I have (which is set off by stress) has been under control for a solid 5 months.  My life is seriously good and I feel it, relaxed and stress free.  However, it does stress me out when people don't believe me ;)

I have learned enough to know that even when people give the "just relax" advice, they are well meaning and caring, and just want the best for us.

About 6 months into trying I definitely was not in this good place.  I was stressed and frustrated and confused and upset.  I've done a lot of growing and learning since then.  Though I'm never super jazzed to deal with frustrating things, I am glad for what I've gained in perspective, patience, and faith.  I've realized a few things that have helped me keep perspective.  The first thing I realized was  that I definitely have a great life and to count my blessings rather than focus on what I lack.  This led me to remember that no matter who you are and what your circumstances, you usually have what someone else wishes for.  Maybe I don't have the fanciest life, but I have a lot that someone else may not have and wants.

Something else that I'm happy I've come to realize is that just because I haven't been able to have kids yet doesn't mean that I should be sad when other people can and do get pregnant. I am not (and hope never to be) in a place where I can't be happy for others. Why should my inability cause their ability to have less meaning or joy? And just because they can, it doesn't diminish the pain of my inability, but it also shouldn't diminish my own joy either!  I can still have wonderful things happen to me and they can still be great regardless of this setback. It is hopefully something I am using to better appreciate the joys in my life, as well as the joys of others. It's great when people are sympathetic but I also really want people to be happy about their good news, because it is wonderful news!

My realizations aside, everyone is in a different place during the struggle of infertility so I don't mean to imply that these things are for everyone. These are things that have helped me but may hurt someone else depending on where they are emotionally. It really is amazing how deeply emotional this struggle is and how it can hurt in even the weirdest situations that you wouldn't think could make you feel pain.

We aren't quite sure what our future holds but we're sure we'll be parents somehow, some way, whether it is through fertility treatment that we have the option to start after I get back in July, or whether it ends up being through adoption, or (my favorite option) that achieving pregnancy on our own--for free!-- is just around the corner!

Wish us luck, and if you could, pray for us.  We would greatly appreciate that!

On being grateful for my good life

You know when you sit back and take a moment to think about your life and you realize that it's pretty dang good?  Well, I did that recently.

I was thinking about how cool it was that I've had my most winningest week ever (not a joke, or a fake word either) by winning free Jazz tickets and subsequently free LASIK--and a free blanket, I bowled a 194 in bowling league, I scored some pretty sweet concert tickets last minute (Imagine Dragons), we got a new fridge, and a holiday ham to put in it and eat tomorrow!, and I got to sleep in today (very much less important but still super cool).

And it hit me that I have a good life.  Not just because of all of those things, but they were definitely major factors in this week's winning, that's for dang sure. But it's funny how we forget how good our lives are.  It usually takes something bad to happen to make us see that we had it pretty good.

Maybe some of you are reading this and thinking, "duh, girl." But really, life is good. 

I mean, I've had my fair share of trials and "this really sucks a lot, when is it ever going to end" type years, but when it really comes down to it, I have, and have had (even during the sucky years), a reeeeeeeally good life.  Because I've had the downs to my ups, I think I've been able to appreciate the good times more than if I'd have had less rough times (did that even just make sense?).

I can even look at it on a broader scale when I compare my life to people's lives on other continents, and even here in my own country.  Really, I have such a good life and I forget about it all the time.

There will always be things in life we don't like, but when we focus on the good, life is good.  So here's to remembering how good we have it.

Reflection

It has been pretty darn quiet around here.  The semester ended and everyone took off for home this past weekend.  I had a work Christmas party and a wedding to go to so the solitude didn't really hit until today. 

It has made me reflect on when I first moved to Utah and I didn't know anyone.  I had great roommates but when I first moved in one was engaged, another dating and almost engaged, and the last started dating a few weeks later.  All I did was work so it made for a lot of alone time. 

The only reason I am going to survive the next few days until I get to go home is because my good friend Allison is also staying in town and we've got a few things planned.  I don't even know how I got through that first winter here. I felt so alone. 

But what I am really thinking about right now is how great I normally have it.  I have a great roommate that thinks I make the cut to do fun stuff with, I have a boyfriend, and I have lots of friends in my ward and outside of it.  I have a very good social network.  And not only that, but I have a loving family who get excited when I come home, and more often than not provide the way for me to get there. 

I have to be honest and say that I take it for granted.  I don't often feel alone and that is a blessing.  But it makes me realize that I need to be more aware of people who feel alone on a regular basis and that I can do something about it, because even though it's not really that bad this week, I still don't like it. 

Anyway, that's about it. I can't wait until Friday when I get to go home!

Wedding Weekend

So, 2012 is the year of marriages.  NO, this is not an announcement.  It's just that I have been to more weddings this year than any other year combined, not a joke.  I think part of it was because of Dillon knowing people getting married, too.  

But still, I went to NINE weddings this year, either by myself or with Dillon. At least those are the ones I can remember, so I'm sure there are a few I forgot about. 

The whole point of this is to introduce you to my weekend.  It was wedding number nine. 

One of my cousins got married and so everyone was in town.  Wooohoooo!  I love seeing family.  I have awesome aunts and they have great spouses.  We got some really cool people who married into our fam. 

I was able to attend all the temple festivities, chauffeur my grandma around, and help at the reception.  I sometimes forget how good it makes you feel to help people.  I sure wasn't in charge so it wasn't a stressful thing, I just ran around and did what people told me to do or what I saw needed to be done. 

And it felt great.  I know it would have been accomplished regardless of what I did, but why not help and make it easier (hopefully) on people?

So here's to family getting together, weddings, and helping people! Cheers!

BTW, this is what it looked like.  You could hardly see the temple from all the snow. 

Sorry, August

I guess I dropped the ball on that one.  I didn't blog during the whole month of August.  But if it makes you feel any better, I didn't go swimming either. 

Except that's not true.  I went at least twice. 

I feel like I have so much to tell, but really, it's nothing at all.

Guess what my calling is this semester.  Oh, what's that?  You guessed that I was called to be an Institute Teacher again? Nailed it.  I get to wear the mic again!!

In other news, we moved.  Now, some of you might already know to where and are rolling your eyes at my usage of the word 'moved' but I'll have you know, dragging all your stuff across the hall is harder that in sounds, thank you very much. 

However, Stacy and I accomplished it.  We also deep cleaned our entire apartment.  Those blinds have never looked so good. 

And now, a memory slide of all the good times in the apt:

 My first pic

We made a whole lotta food.

And crafts.

That floor saw a lot of our hair (and not just the stuff we intentionally cut off :/)

 We had Christmas parties,

and Birthday celebrations.

We rearranged the furniture a tad bit.

 We added useful household items,

and priceless art.

 We mostly just hung around,

and were classy.

It was a wonderful almost two years, apt 305.  Thanks for the super fun memories and the beautiful view.

Insert witty title here

This week was a blur.  I was wiped out everyday and took multiple naps.  The weather was sooooo wonderful--most days it was close to 50 and sunny.  That combined with no snow made my brain think that it was almost spring.  Until it snowed today :(

Wednesday was bowling league and yes, our T-shirts were ready and we wore them.  Though I don't have a pic (soon).  I bowled my highest ever (158--and yes, I have the print off to prove it) even though I was handicapped due to my leg being slammed in a car door (thanks Stacy--JK I know it was an accident).  The bruise is funky and looks like a bull's eye due to the scrape in the middle of the bruise.

On Saturday I got to hang out with this guy:

A friend texted Allison to see if she could dogsit but she couldn't b/c she is a temple worker on Sat mornings and so I JUMPED at the chance when she asked me if I could.  

Our friend brought him over at 8:30.  We played, he napped, played some more, more napping, more playing, more napping, took a trip to the park to film a video and napped some more until our friend came to pick him up at 5.  

He was so cute and fun and not named so we called him Chuck Testa after this guy.

Saturday night Stacy and I made a rainbow chip double layer cake just for the fun of it.  We dedicated it to Harry Potter and made a replica of the one that Hagrid makes for him on his 11th bday, spelling and all.

I actually was having a really hard week but I tried to look at the positives and count my blessing.  You know what?  That really made me feel a whole lot better.

Church was so good today.  I heard exactly everything that I needed to hear from so many different sources.

I am amazed that the God of heaven and earth cares about me so much and that He allows me to feel gratitude.  We have been told to give thanks in all things and what a gift being grateful is in my life.  So here's to my awful week that allowed me to count my blessings and feel gratitude!!!

BTW I just finished reading "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn."  I really liked it.  Has anyone else read it?

Why living in the 21st Century is amazing

There are many really good reasons for why living in this day and age is such a privilege:  electricity, indoor plumbing, cars and other transportation, phones, computers, washers and dryers, blenders and microwaves, recorded music, large beds (that you don't have to share with your whole family), public institutions for higher education, contacts for us blind people, and many many other wonderful things.

What I am most thankful for right now is the Restored Gospel and the mediums through which I am able to access these truths.  Religious martyrs through the ages fought for the right and liberty of the common man to have admittance to his own copy of holy scripture.  By the small and simple (and sometimes great and sacrificial) acts of diligent servants of the Lord, that right has been realized by people the whole world over.

Technology has expanded to benefit men and women seeking truth and light so that, not only can persons seeking divine guidance through scripture hold it in his or her hands but, each person can find the truth over radio waves, airways, and vast internet databases.

That it is out there in the world, so easily accessible, is amazing.  That it is continuous and never ending is astounding.  I am so grateful for the knowledge that God still speaks to His children today.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever so why, if He spoke to His children anciently, would He not speak to us today?

This last weekend was General Conference and I heard the words of God's prophet.  I am grateful for his assurance of God's continued love and patience.

If you want to watch it yourself, go here :)

AMAZING

Hey, did you know that God pretty much thought of everything?

He thought of all the ways to make our world turn and function properly so that life could exist. 
He thought of all the ways to make our bodies work the right way so that we could be happy and productive. 
He thought of who to trust when starting a nation that would allow freedom of religion & pursuit of happiness.
He thought of EVERY solution to every equation (and He knows how to graph it, too).

Every day at school, I learn about the earth, or history of the earth, or our bodies and how they work and I am amazed at how God accomplishes His purposes.  As I learn, I realize how little I know and that there is so much knowledge in the universe. Also, it just seems obvious to me that there is a Supreme Being that knows and controls it all.

The best part, though, is that that Supreme Being who knows and controls everything is our Father and uses it all for our benefit.  

I forget all too often that He knows better than I do and that if I listen to Him and trust Him that life will be so much better than I ever could have imagined.  How could it not be?  He's thought of everything.  

My Brain's Hiatus

Do you ever get the feeling that you used to be a whole lot smarter than you are now?  I have been getting that feeling quite often lately.  I look at what I have contributed to the world in the last little while and let me tell you, folks, I have declined--considerably.  I have plummeted so far that I can't even give you examples to back up this statement.  Extreme fail. 

To redeem myself (from myself, mind you) I plan on only writing about deep thoughts for the next three posts.  But only as long as you all promise to comment on how insightful and thought provoking my writing has become. 

Deal?  Awesome. 

Communication

I just want to give a shout-out to being able to speak and hear.

We have a couple different families who are deaf that come in to our office.  Both parents in both of these families are deaf.  One family has all hearing kids while the other family doesn't have kids.  We try to take care of their needs by writing everything down or making sure that we move our lips so lip-reading is possible.

I am one to speak with my hands and I think that throws everything off.  When our deaf patients are there, I make a conscious effort to hold my hands down at my sides; this causes me to shake my head in weird ways to emphasize what I am trying to get across.

It takes me back to my greenie months where I had no idea what people were saying to me.  They could be as concise as they wanted, and speak as loudly as thy thought necessary, but there was still NO WAY I understood the gibberish that came out of their mouths.

In the end, the only way that I was able to communicate was by learning their language.  I had a few awesome companions that learned enough English to give me a break, but the majority of the time I was communicating in a way that was not my own.  Not to say that that wasn't the point; people are supposed to learn the gospel in their own language and, as a missionary, it was my calling.

It makes me think about how it must feel to live in a hearing society and have to try to conform to that method of communicating.  There may be a chosen few outside of your immediate circle who can understand and speak with you in a like manner but that is not as common as having to try constantly to bridge that gap of understanding.

Who knows, maybe I'm completely off on my assessment of the situation.  Obviously, I am not deaf (or mute--far from it!).  I am grateful for all my senses.  Those that work properly and those that don't but can be fixed (eyesight--I am BLIND without my contacts/glasses).  They all make it that much easier to communicate.

The Collective Obi Wan Kenobi's of My Life

Bear with me while I use a Star Wars reference.  It will be cheesy; you were forewarned.  I will, of course, be playing Luke Skywalker in this little analogy.

Luke was guided and molded by a man who possessed more knowledge, experience, and wisdom than he had yet acquired in his short lifetime.  This man was Obi Wan Kenobi.  We all have things/people that influence us.  I like to call mine by the great Jedi master who can be seen in that epic saga which I was forced to watch whenever my brothers or dad or grandpa got to choose the movie. 

I have been thinking about the people and things in my life lately and the impact that they have had on me.  More specifically, how they have influenced my thought processes, choices, and personality.  Whether it be about random world views or specific gospel principles, the humor I have come to enjoy or even the styles I envision in my own future home someday, I have quite a few "Obi Wan Kenobi's" that have either guided or molded me into the human being that I am today.

I have appreciated living outside the US of A, giving me the opportunity to see the world from a different view.  I have said before that I learned more about my country and the freedoms/conveniences which I enjoy by leaving America than I ever did while living in its various corners.

I have appreciated that from a young age I was encouraged to read, not only the required books for school, but books that would shape and enlighten me (as well as Harry Potter.  I mean, come one, who doesn't feel like their imagination is enhanced by reading that series?).

I appreciate the privilege to associate with people who have better minds, capabilities, and talents than I.  I have been blessed to have my thoughts and habits opened up to new ways of seeing and feeling the world. 

The Obi Wan I appreciate most is the gospel.  To hone in, I appreciate the people that I have seen live the gospel and who have helped me to see the blessings that are in store for those who are obedient.  I am reading President Hinckley's biography and I can tell you that it never ceases to amaze me what that man accomplished in his lifetime by just putting his shoulder to the wheel, day after day, and putting his faith in God.  He is not the only person to show me that faith brings miracles.  I am grateful for the family, friends and church leaders who have helped me along in this crazy little thing called life. 

Ladies and Gentleman (yes, to that one guy out there reading this), I am not finished.  And I am grateful for that.  I have been molded and influenced through a myriad of experiences and obstacles in life, only to look forward and see that there is an endless world of thought, action, and life still out there, waiting for me.

Lead on all you Obi Wans in my life, lead on.  Just please don't let all those Darth Vaders out there kill you off.  Life is a choice :)