The Long, Sad Post

I'm not sure how one starts a post like this, so I'll just jump in.

We had an ultrasound at 14.5 weeks that showed a great heartbeat and then we left on a great vacation. We talked about future plans and a name, and I did research on strollers and car seats.

Then we got back and nervously prepared for our next appointment Wed Oct 5th, at 17.5 weeks. Since we still weren't sure about all the gene mutation risks, we approached every appointment like it could be the one to give us bad news.

Unfortunately, this was the appointment. Our doctor wasn't able to find the heartbeat with the doppler and that's when I knew. I didn't expect her to find it on the ultrasound when she went to get it, but she was hopeful because most of the time that happens, things really are just fine. She was devastated for us and is such a caring and compassionate doctor, we feel so grateful for her. She made an appointment for me to go over to the hospital to get measurements in order to find out when the baby stopped growing, while I called Dillon to come meet me.  That's a phone call I hope I never have to make again.

He rushed over and we went in together. My friend from Washington was actually the one to perform the ultrasound, which was one of the many, many tender mercies we've experienced during this whole process. It looks like the baby stopped growing around week 16, right when we were posting about it on social media. My friend was great and reassured me that there was nothing we could have done differently, which I needed because the fears and guilt had already started to creep in.

We went back and talked to our doctor about what to do next. She gave us the option of a surgical procedure (D&C) or being induced, but we didn't feel comfortable with a D&C that far along, even though that would have been quicker and easier to endure physically. So we scheduled an induction for the next morning. Again, that's another thing I hope I never have to do again. It was hard enough to have to find out all our hopes and dreams had changed in the blink of an eye, but that I would have to be in pain for the next who knew how long was also incredibly hard mentally. I just didn't want to do it!

We showed up at the hospital at 7:30 am to get the process started. Everyone was very kind and they took us to a room decently far away from everything. We answered questions and got to know our nurse, who was another tender mercy, and then around 9:45 I got my first dose of medicine. We had a great time with our nurse, Jessyka, who made it feel like we were being taken care of by a friend, but it was a pretty uneventful day with only minimal cramping and Dillon and I were starting to regret that we hadn't taken up our doctor's offer to come in the middle of the night when she was on call.

But then, after the third dose, things picked up quickly and I started to have contractions, which became regular very quickly. They were fine when I got a break in between, but within 40 mins of them starting they had advanced to being one right on top of the other. I had been offered pain medicine whenever I wanted and our nurse asked if now was the time--it definitely was. Within a few minutes of the medicine kicking in (it was great btw) my water broke. Our nurse checked me and, as she was saying that I was dilated to a three, she felt the baby start to come (you only need to be about 4-6 cm for this gestation). They called for the doctor who had, of course, just left. I didn't have to push, baby just kept coming, so by the time the doctor was back and gowned up, she was almost delivered. I officially delivered her at 7:17 pm.

They laid her on a blanket on my chest and we could immediately see that she had some abnormalities. She had severe cleft lip and palate, but also didn't have any eyes (that we could see--they'll do an autopsy and they might find them in there, just misplaced or underdeveloped). Her left hand was missing and her right fingers were wrapped together due to Amniotic Band Syndrome (here's a site that has helpful info), which is actually a possible cause of the cleft lip and palate, though we still are unclear on how exactly. We think that it could be if she somehow swallowed amniotic bands or they floated into her mouth early on and caused the cleft lip and palate. We spent some time looking at her and taking pictures, which I'm glad for even though I wasn't sure how I'd feel at first.

The placenta took about another hour and a half to deliver and get all the way out, but that's a TMI story, so I'll just move on ;) Everything was finally over at 8:45 pm, just 11 hours after the first dose. That is actually incredibly fast for a first time delivery regardless of how far along you are, another tender mercy. I was kept overnight to get antibiotics and be monitored due to running a fever, but I was allowed to eat finally so I didn't care (I get why they say that, but man it was rough). We didn't get to sleep until after 1 am since we were waiting on the bereavement lady to come and take molds of baby's feet. We were woken up bright and early at 6 am for a blood draw, but our night nurse was great and never made any noise when she checked on me so I slept pretty well considering.

We had one last visit with our doctor (seriously, an angel) to talk about testing before being let go on Friday morning. There will be an autopsy on the baby and some genetic testing. I will get a full 2nd trimester miscarriage work up (another tender mercy since we wouldn't get all the testing if I had miscarried before 12 weeks, nor would we have known about the abnormalities at all),  which includes that clotting disorder we were worried about--though we think we've got a pretty good idea why we miscarried already (yet another tender mercy--info so soon, since the autopsy will take 6-8 weeks).

We really have felt so, so very blessed through this entire experience. The doctor we have is wonderful and the nursing staff was great. It has been hard, but we feel that we had the most ideal situation. We still wish that we would be having a baby in March, but we feel lucky that, since that was not going to be possible, things happened to take care of it--along with the fact that I wasn't as far along as I could be so that it is less traumatic physically.

And though finding out was hard, we feel incredibly grateful that I didn't spontaneously miscarry while we were on vacation! So many things have happened that have left us feeling more grateful than sad (though still incredibly sad). Our deductible and out of pocket max are the lowest they'll ever be and since we switch insurance next month, this was the month for it to happen. We are also getting the chance to start the process sooner rather than later, though, naturally, we hope that it doesn't take as long this next time. The list goes on, and I've tried to remember them all to write them down but hopefully I'll remember any I've recently forgotten.

We have felt so much peace, partly from knowing about the abnormalities but partly from before any kind of concrete knowledge came our way. We both felt very soon after finding out we'd lost her that there was no spirit attached to this body. We had wondered what, if anything, to name her and had both felt peace that this body wasn't the one for our baby. It has made things so much easier emotionally. We are so grateful for the peace we have felt and know that it has come from faithful family and friends praying for us and helping us share the load.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. We are still tender and emotional, but feel so very lucky for all the tender mercies and peace.